disarmed

i've had a blog in my head for quite some time now, but i just don't know how to write it. or perhaps i'm afraid to write it and be even more vulnerable than i already feel. regardless, i am prompted to memorialize these feelings forever in the most unambiguous way possible- posting them on the internet.


it takes a lot to embarrass me, but not much to hurt my feelings. i feel like i've experienced some of the most disheartening moments of my life this year. ironically, i've also experienced some of the most uplifting moments of my life this year. but over and over i feel like i am picking myself back up and standing in front of the firing squad again.


there was a day a few weeks ago when i was discouraged and tired, i reacted proactively and wrote this: "giving all my strength to the Lord today. His hands are on my life and no circumstance, no matter how difficult, will stand against us." that afternoon my heart sank as i received another strike against me when i was written up at work. i've NEVER been in trouble at work. the harder i fought, the harder i felt attacked. 

it was really taking me to a place of worthlessness. jesse and i sat outside one evening swinging with beckett as i told him this. it hurt me to know he was feeling the same way. we put beckett to bed and laid on the floor in his room just to watch him sleep so we could be comforted.

what came of it all was our realization that we ARE under attack. we came to richardson not for our jobs, but to help plant a church. as much as i love what i do and know i can do positive things with it, I AM NOT HERE FOR MY JOB. i am here to surround this city with the love of God and any discouragement that comes my way will not distract me from being who i am and revealing who He is. the best part of it is that we get to decide to walk out of discouragement because Christ has claimed the victory for us. that's right...it takes our decision and action to walk into the life we want. we are free.