more grace than we deserve

this week's dinners with other associates-in-training have set me to a higher frustration level than i thought possible. two nights in a row we have been out and three or more members of my party have been dissatisfied with the service and vocalized their complaints to the managers. there are a number of reasons why i am not in agreement with my co-workers:

1. i hope that I am extended an appropriate margin of error in my workplace.
2. i think it is wise to pick your battles, because...
3. in the entirety of life, how important is this? probably incredibly minor.
4. how acceptable is it for me to ask for so much more grace than i deserve and then not give it to others?

as someone who works in customer service and is a consumer, i understand both sides of the argument. ultimately, though, one of my life's goals is to be Christ's advocate. i am His representation on earth and, by appointment of such role, i believe i should be an unconditional grace-giver.

while i am disappointed that i was not able to persuade the others to appreciate my point of view, i, again, have a much deeper sense of appreciation for grace because of the ungrace of others.

sorry, sorrow, sombrero

i have this huge vision for embarking on a mission to ask people who have wronged us to forgive us. i want to call it the forgiveness project. i want to launch a website for it and ask others to join in and open their hearts to forgive by asking forgiveness from someone else. and i want it to start with me.

jesse and i each wrote about this subject a few months ago when we first talked about it. since then, neither of us have contacted the people we had in mind, but we have probably thought about it more times than we've watched "the story of antoine dodson" on youtube (which is a lot). i'm being too optimistic if i say we wanted to take our time to make sure we did it right. we have neglected the situations altogether; partly out of fear and partly out of misery.

it may seem like a strange mission to have. and since i fail daily, i am always adding fuel to the fire. my mission will never end.

i think i went to target every day last week. one night i bought a candy bar and soda for my cashier. the next night i yelled at someone in the parking lot. i actually stood up on my car to yell at a person 50 yards away. i was loud and horrible. even though some might think i was justified in my actions considering she almost hit beckett and me with her car, i regret what i did. if i found this person again i would apologize and buy her a cup of coffee. we would probably become friends.

there's work left to do in our hearts on the subject of forgiveness. but when we speak forgiveness i think we are showing a core attribute of our Father. what more could draw someone to His heart?

you got me and Jesus

this is [kind of] a love story.

jesse and i celebrated our fourth anniversary last thursday. our first date was exactly one year before that. it was a weird time for both of us when we met. i was still struggling to get over a guy i thought i was going to marry (but had never met) after five years of deliberate singleness. contrary to my situation, jesse was just getting out of a five-year relationship.

my lifestyle at that time was something partly inspired by elisabeth elliot's passion and purity and partly by a preacher i heard my freshman year of college. i guess you could say it was also inspired by the precepts in joshua harris's book, i kissed dating goodbye, though i never read it.

i didn't even want to be in a room alone with jesse when we first started talking. the first time we sat alone together i had my friend who knew me really well call a few times to keep me accountable. we had been talking for a few weeks when jesse said something like "i guess i should take you out some time." you probably think that is hilarious if you know him. i think it is hilarious even now. even though he wore cowboy boots on our first date and i ate calf fries (what was i thinking?) we still fell in love.

it's hard to stay "in love" through a lifetime. what matters is that we make it in fulfilling our vows even when the odds are stacked against us. what matters is that every day we strive to be the kind of love that lasts.

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also many things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all....In fact, the state of being in love usually does not last....But of course ceasing to be 'in love' need not mean ceasing to love. Love....is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask and receive from God....They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be 'in love' with someone else. 'Being in love' first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep their promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.  

 Excerpt from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

 "Someone loves you even when you don't think so...don't you know...you got me and Jesus by your side, through the fight. You will never be alone, on your own, you got me and Jesus."

rainbows and being fired

my son is one lucky kid right now. he has two full-time, stay-at-home parents.

at least that is how i am looking at it right now. i've never been fired. until now. it was raining really hard that afternoon as i drove home, but a sign of promise draped across the sky...a rainbow (ok...it was actually two rainbows, but i don't want to hear about the double rainbow guy).

as cliche as it may be to correlate a rainbow to God's promise, i believe the sky was different that afternoon for me. jesse and i have done well, but rarely have things been easy for us. it seems like every adventure has driven us to test our faith. sometimes we get it wrong at first, but we usually find our way. our past experiences have taught us that greatness is there, just waiting on us to step into it.

i have nothing bad to say about my former company. and i really enjoyed my job. this is just another season. another wilderness. we followed God to texas (yes, God is in texas) prior to having any job offers. with a baby on the way. why should we worry now?

disarmed

i've had a blog in my head for quite some time now, but i just don't know how to write it. or perhaps i'm afraid to write it and be even more vulnerable than i already feel. regardless, i am prompted to memorialize these feelings forever in the most unambiguous way possible- posting them on the internet.


it takes a lot to embarrass me, but not much to hurt my feelings. i feel like i've experienced some of the most disheartening moments of my life this year. ironically, i've also experienced some of the most uplifting moments of my life this year. but over and over i feel like i am picking myself back up and standing in front of the firing squad again.


there was a day a few weeks ago when i was discouraged and tired, i reacted proactively and wrote this: "giving all my strength to the Lord today. His hands are on my life and no circumstance, no matter how difficult, will stand against us." that afternoon my heart sank as i received another strike against me when i was written up at work. i've NEVER been in trouble at work. the harder i fought, the harder i felt attacked. 

it was really taking me to a place of worthlessness. jesse and i sat outside one evening swinging with beckett as i told him this. it hurt me to know he was feeling the same way. we put beckett to bed and laid on the floor in his room just to watch him sleep so we could be comforted.

what came of it all was our realization that we ARE under attack. we came to richardson not for our jobs, but to help plant a church. as much as i love what i do and know i can do positive things with it, I AM NOT HERE FOR MY JOB. i am here to surround this city with the love of God and any discouragement that comes my way will not distract me from being who i am and revealing who He is. the best part of it is that we get to decide to walk out of discouragement because Christ has claimed the victory for us. that's right...it takes our decision and action to walk into the life we want. we are free.

stepping down from our Christian soapboxes

i used to be one of those Christians who separated themselves from the world so much that i had no relevancy with anyone. this lasted about five years. turns out it is really hard to live a "not of this world" lifestyle and still manage to relate to the people you want to befriend.

i'm sick of seeing Christians who only want to save Christians. i wrote a brief note about this last week when i said "why is it that Jesus came to save sinners and we only look to save the saints?" the truth is that sometimes Christians are disgusting. in fact, we can be, and often are, downright repulsive.

that may be an offensive message to some conservative church-goers, but i believe the church today often does more harm than good. take the westboro baptist church, for example. you have probably heard of them by now. they protest the funerals of soldiers, carry "God hates fags" signs, etc. their behavior only elicits negative reactions. exactly who are they trying to save with these messages?

i'm not anywhere close to grouping myself with them, but i worry that we all misrepresent The Message in the same arrogant disregard. and to be honest, sometimes i consider making up another name for being a believer just so i won't be grouped in with crazy people.

a church my family and i once attended sent a card after my mother died. in the note, they mentioned that they were donating money to their church in honor of my mother. this never made sense to me. is the church too busy trying to save itself that it is taking the element of loving others right out of the equation?  why are we spending time loving ourselves and preaching to the world? and shouldn't it be the other way around?

a time for reconciliation

usually when jesse and i venture out on road trips we end up fighting for a good length of the trip. reason number one for trying to avoid them altogether. sometimes, though, God has His way with us and sends a gust of conversation our direction.

on our trip home from oklahoma yesterday we realized it was time to let go of our bitterness and reconcile relationships with some of the folks we have distanced ourselves from over the last few years. this brings up a lot of hurt. it means forgiving a friend we helped who ended up stealing from us when we had very little. it means forgiving friends who told lies about us to save themselves. it means forgiving family who have abandoned us.

these things seem huge to us. we were wronged. and we've harbored a lot of anger because of the wrongdoings of others. but the time has come for reconciliation. we are loved with the Greatest Love. i think the Lord is giving us a chance to shine bright with the love of Christ by forgiving some of the people who have hurt us the most.

read jesse's blog about this. it might surprise you if you don't know him very well.